still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
