So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
