i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
