There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
