I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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