I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
