I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
