I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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