If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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