New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
