seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
