he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Two words: blizzard sex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
