Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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