i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
