can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
