3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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