Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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