You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
