I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
