every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
