or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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