my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
