Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
