In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
