Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
