I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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