i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
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im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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