Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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