When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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