Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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