I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
