just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
