So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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