As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
