do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
