So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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