Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
