You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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