You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
