Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
