i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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