I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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