i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
