I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
