i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
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If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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