i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
