Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
