Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
