I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
