I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
