my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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