Three words: puerto rican gang bang
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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