Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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