so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
