I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
