you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
